~ I'm lost ~

I don’t know how to tell, may be I’m wrong with my own perception.

Actually I’m with him all the time, but the relationship is not as it should be. There is a gab both distance and mind. Can even say - One party threaded it as break but the other party treated it still on. I know I’m wrong to be the one who never go to solve this problem. Am I scared on the result? Or I just want to remain it unchanged? Never end, but at least there is someone caring on me, all the time although he is not beside me. May be I don’t want to be alone and I am use to it, every time every way, he is there. Nine years, if that never happen, as our plan…get marriage next year! I found the world is playing on me, my love and my family. I don’t care it is right or wrong, I don’t want to go and solve all the things as I don’t know the way to solve. Just let it grown with the god wish to!

I’m not with him, never! I though he is just playing on, just finding someone to fill up his free time over here. The time period is short, and he never mention at all. I’m not serious on it because it is not possible. All the time in my mind, it is good or better for us to remain the relationship as now, as a web closed friend because my sense telling me that he treated me as a friend, may be a little bit better than a normal friend. But =I'm Done= prove all this wrong! I’m shock until he told me that he is serious. Instance…chatting with me only when he is online with some other stuff, I never think that he will purposely go online to meet me. In the sentence he wrote, the way he talk, nothing show that is possible. He don’t know how to express the feeling? Or I'm not good in sense? Is too late...

I really don’t know how to forecast, the result is in adverse. I can’t find the reason; I don’t know how to explain. I’m stupid! I'm lost!