what are everything?

12/10/08

When people think that you are every things and actually you are nothing…
Yes, you think that I’m smart, gorgeous, brilliant, and what so ever, but I have to say I’m not. You make me feel pressure. I want to do everything in the right manner and in good order but I’m not capable. In my mind now, everything becomes bad. No good jobs, no good guy, no money! But when I think deeply, properly, everything will contain both good and bad, is just depend on the person who view and make comment to it. Every job will have its difficulties, and everyone will have his own strengths. I must be optimistic.

It’s like my jobs. The first one that I refuse to stay, it gives me good money, nice environment, flexible working hours. But I leave with my stupid mindset on this company will not offer me bright prospect and that is why I go for a system consultant.
Then I feel very boring, surrounding with Indians, Indian style environment, and nothing to do because I don’t have the IT knowledge. However, it does provide me good opportunity to learn the implementation stage of accounting system like what should organization take into account before acquires a new system. It is not a routine or difficult job, free enough for me to concentrate on my study. But this does not satisfy me again, because the old PC and they change it only when I tender my resignation and no Chinese colleague also. Again, I decide to run away and become a professional services consultant in a MNC.

Now, busy enough! I can feel very tension, everyday need to rush reports and meet dead line. As a professional service provider is really not an easy job, not only need to make sure that knowledge are enough to throw out and must be intelligent to reply any single questions that pop out from client who are financial controller or senior manager. Added, there is no one can help you when you talk to the person on the phone, how much you know and to what extant you can answer is in their figure tips. Don’t try to act as professional if you are not, it is totally no use when you really can’t answer their queries. Too pressure! Some more people around you are cool, you can’t feel warm. Headache and decide to run away again! This time worry a lot, don’t know what I want! What kind of jobs I will like it? And now, I have no choice but to start work quickly to make sure I can pay all my installments!

Come to partner. People may think that I’m choosy; He is good but short, he is tall but no potential, he is great but old, he is smart but fat, and he is wonderful but too young…. Never end, compare this and that, considering on future and his family too. Never satisfy! I will be alone?
Am I wrong to make such silly comparison? I know I will not get a perfect guy, but I just don’t want me to make a mistake on finding my whole life partner. He must be caring enough, because my ex does do so. He can be ugly but make sure he can take good care of me. For sure people will do comparison when there are choices. Actually it can be very simple also; I just want a guy who can make me love him. I try hard before to force myself love a good guy, but it is too selfish to accept the love without sharing mine.